This is something I will one day, Lord willing, be able to write more on… but after reading so many posts I just want to say this.
I CANNOT CHANGE MY HUSBAND.
I am not SUPPOSED TO change my husband.
The number 1 natural, God-given need for a man is to feel respected, and if he is not in obedience and does not get proper biblical respect and submission, he WILL lash out and not love in the way God commands him to. I cannot expect someone not walking in the truth to ACT like he is.
If he is not walking like he ought to walk, he will be so much LESS likely to change if I am:
1. Walking in my “obedience” with a “holier than thou” attitude
2. Judging him for where he is failing, with words, actions or attitudes. Men are not stupid, even if I don’t say a word, he KNOWS my attitude!
3. Telling him what he should/should not be doing and why
God has blessed me with some amazing older women in my life, and my mother has always shared, and I am finding it true myself, that we must come to a point in time where we realize we must be silent, submit to Yah’s WILL even when we are unable to submit in action, and quite honestly… shut up so that God doesn’t have our voices to contend with when trying to reach our spouse.
My dad was not walking with the Lord for 7 years after he and my mom were married, and for the first three years my mom tried to “help” him get back on track, and be that testimony to challenge him and lead him to the Lord… Then God told her one day “he cannot hear me because you are being too loud!”
After that, any time my mom felt convicted to change something in her life, she would pray and say, “okay Lord, I am willing and would love to obey you in this area, and will where I can, but ultimately I need you to direct my husband so I can be doing so fully, and under his leadership as you designed.”
Years passed, and then when the Lord got ahold of my dad’s heart, in THREE MONTHS God taught my dad everything He had been teaching my mom over the past several years. And every time my dad came to my mom saying, “I feel God wants us to _____,” my mom was ready and able to get behind him immediately in that obedience.
Ultimately, sometimes I just need to surrender what I think my husband SHOULD be and just LET HIM BE.
Because the bottom line is… A man that changes because God led him to will always outlast a man that changes because his wife led him to, and God’s ideas of where he should grow and be ARE going to be different than mine.
Is it easy? No! But when I stop playing victim in front of my husband and just focus on myself and be proactive about raising him up in prayer and praise when I can, things DO change, because I changed, not him. Marriage is not about what I can get out of the relationship, but what I can give… and it is NOT my responsibility to lead in our home.
When I focus on how I stand before Abba in TRUE brokenness, surrender and holiness, I will be a lot less affected by what happens TO me, and instead be able to see it as what is happening FOR me and for my growth.
**please know, I do recognize there are some real, abusive situations that go on, but they are a lot less than what people make them out to be. If I am spiritually strong, I will be more mentally and emotionally strong, and what could be deemed as “mental or emotional abuse,” actually can run like water off a duck’s back. If I don’t react and release it to Abba, it doesn’t have the same affect than if I am self-focused and allowing myself to be the victim in the situation.
(I HAVE had real mental and emotional abuse, so please know I share this in love and am not just trying to spout words here.)
